Thursday, January 28, 2010

Yesterday's Thoughts.

This was drafted on the 29th of January 2009, exactly one year ago; and when I was filtering through my archives and drafts, this popped up.

It's super emo and when I wrote it I was in a state of dispair, so don't laugh at me ok pls. It was a dark time T_T

Especially when everything was uncertain and all wobbly like my fatty tummy T_T

But turns out (DUH), God is good, and He has been good to me, and all my worries have since been disappeared!

#1- D is back! :D
#2- I quit my (then) job already (MWAHAHAH)

God is really faithful. He's never been anything other than faithful to me. Good-- in all it's wordal essence. The mercy and grace He has shown in my life is irreplaceable.

So.. Read if you want, I guess. It's super long and may be super boring, so if you get bored halfway I won't blame you! Hehehe.

I publish it to solidify and to reinforce God's faithfulness in my life :)


Finally- Some Time.

Well, not really, but I think I'm going to spare some time from my flurry of thoughts and activities and just stop to type about what has been going through my mind in the next 10 minutes or so before I turn into a full fledged grandmother and tuck into my sweet bed for work tomorrow morning at the ungodly hour of 7.30 in the morning.

That has got to be the longest sentence I've ever typed!

These days, I've been busy fighting myself. Thoughts on what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to feel and how I'm supposed to behave. Taking on this new job (as I've plentifully whinged about) has not been easy, solely because it feels like it's the wrong thing to do. It has taken quite alot of my physical (8.30am - 5.30 pm T_T) energy and time, as well as my emotional energy. Wondering if this is what I want to do etc etc... AND constantly studying modules about the new products I have to sell as well as taking assessments for it! (I left school for this??!!)

Thoughts about whether or not I can and should go back to the UK (where I want to be, REALLY) at a splendidly wonderful time like this (*sarcasm*) has also been on my mind almost all the waking time.

D wants to stay there (nobody can blame him, and everybody can see why staying on your own beats coming home to mommy and daddy's roof) to get a job and coming back doesn't seem to be in his options (rightly so), but the economy is having a diahorrea and the chances for him to land a job is slim! If I went, I'm not sure I can get a job, and that's 2 or 3 months worth of saved up money just BLOWN into the European winds.

Questions like "What if I get a job and he doesn't?", and "What if I don't get a job and have to come back? How will that look on my CV?", or "Will my relationship with D work if we're both working in separate countries?" have such weighted consequences when answered.

Sometimes I think I'm too young to handle these things, but nonetheless, these things have so gladly found a home on my plate named Life.

I once said and promised that I'd leave all these in God's hands, and I suppose only I can take it "away" from His hands by worrying about it, but I don't know where I stand anymore. The wise and BEST thing to do is to REALLY commit it to God, but I don't know how. When every waking day that passes means that another day has GONE. Only drawing me nearer to deadlines that I don't know of.

When I don't have time to think through these things properly, I'm busy stressing about assessments and observations (OHMYGAWD). When I finally DO sit down (like now) to ahem* ponder, I realise NOTHING has changed since the LAST time I pondered about it.

Therefore, I'm still at square one.


I'm slipping backwards. There's no point hiding it anymore. I'm too lazy to put up a front, and I can't be bothered about people judging me anymore. They'll do it with or without my knowledge so I might as well just hack it.

You know what I need?
I need to talk and speak to someone real.
Not any one more of my phony "friends" who claim they know me but know nuts. Not any one more of my phony "friends" who say they love me but all they do is pressure me into talking "deep" with them. Holy cow I have no energy!

I need someone mature, sensible, and most importantly REAL that I can talk to to reason with me, to explain things to me. Without bias, without envy, without indifference and without a non-tolerance for a foul mouth and some alcohol.

Good luck to me?

Thanks for reading if you did.
If you're a friend, you know I love you


WOW. A year ago.
See! Everything worked out :)


lovelia said...

Hi, I found your blog when I was looking through loads and loads of them to find something interesting. This sounds kind of creepy? Heh, sorry. But you're writing kind of inspired me when my brain wouldn't cooperate with me. You express what you're feeling at any time. And I really like that. You inspire me!
Thanks!! (:

keShia* said...

thank you :) glad to inspire hehe :)