I'm Trying.

To be honest,
This Project Happy thing has been really tough for me this whole time. Yes, I list down things that do make me momentarily happy, but in reality, I'm still longing for something so much bigger, so much larger, so much more important, so much more... significant.

I don't know what exactly it is, because right now in my humanly mind all I keep thinking is that I need to someplace else, living the dream that I dream about everyday.. But what if, WHAT IF, I get there, and realise that "Shit. This isn't it" ?? That would be horrifying, wouldn't it?!

I find myself stuck in a place where I'm not unhappy, but I'm not happy.

Yesterday I listened really quite intently on a sermon that was given by my senior pastor.
He said something I've already known for so long, yet I forget all the time.

Happiness (or blessedness) is only found in Someone else.
You may not believe it, but I have believed in this for so long, and it has been true for me!

How foolish it is for me to think that anything exterior can make me happy?
The truth is, human nature has made it as such-- that it is IMPOSSIBLE to satisfy. Or satiate, for that matter. How frustrating! Ugh. We're never content, never pleased and never satisfied. Always wanting more wtf. We're so impossible! It's like having a child to take care of that's never grateful or happy with any-bloody-thing you so lovingly give him!

I want more, I won't lie. I want lots of things.

But I'm pretty sure that I will always want all these things until I find my satiated happiness and blessedness from the One true belief that I hold dearest.

I chose to follow Jesus 10 years ago.
I was TRULY happy in that time. NOTHING could stop me.

And now that I'm all grown up and needing all these crap to make me momentarily happy, I have forsaken the ONE true source of happiness that I've been searching all this while.

And then my pastor said again: Matthew 6:33
This exact verse in the Bible was what really pulled me through the toughest years of my life. A verse that I held so dearly in my heart-- something like a mantra that kept me alive. But yet-- I forgot.

So this is me.. choosing to follow Jesus. Again.
And forever.