Monday, November 18, 2013

Devastating Dream

Last night, I had a horrid dream about my dad.

I'm a daddy's girl through and through, and in my dream last night, my mom (whom I don't have a great relationship with in real life) told me that I wasn't allowed to see my dad for the next 2 years (why 2 years? I have no idea).

I remember becoming quite upset, immediately accusing my mom in my mind that she was the one to make him believe that I did something wrong, but even for him to believe her without speaking to me was unbelievable! All my mom said was that I made him angry, and that he couldn't believe what a terrible daughter I was, and so he's disowning me.

What ran through my head (in the dream) was quite disturbing-- I kept thinking, "Oh man, I'm gonna be cut off?" but these thoughts were intertwined with never ending questions about how it came to be like this. My mind also kept replaying scenes (fictional!) of when he last spoke to me and I couldn't trace or detect any anger/disappointment!

I remember being totally heartbroken, and bawling my eyes out. But completely ignoring my mother. She was, albeit in my dream; the reason why he hated me.

Anyway, I didn't give her the benefit of the doubt of being right so I called him straight away to ask, "Daddy, don't you love me any more?" and the response was silence.

In that moment my heart broke into a million pieces.

Thankfully, the silence was followed by a some chatter, saying, "It's not the right time to talk right now, so call me back later to discuss". HUH? Call him back later? As if, him disowning me was not a matter of importance to address RIGHT NOW?!

Fast forwarding to "later", I went to see him and asked him a million questions and told him that "I'll be good, just don't stop loving me as your daughter". But it seems that it wasn't that he wanted to disown me, he was just very busy, and was very disappointed in me for burning down a cabinet (say whut?!) and for being messy (this is true in real life sometimes).

In the end, my dad asked me if I wanted to hang out with him and OF COURSE I wanted to!

Then the dream warped into something else, I can't recall now.

But when I woke up, I remember feeling tremendously sad at the very thought of losing my dad not just to death but to relation and emotion. But one thing remained-- that my mom's a bitch even in my dreams hahahaha.

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