Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Snippet

A short snip from my personal log :)


***

she shook with intense anxiety as she tore up the highways. on one hand, she was just waiting to get there. on the other, she refused to confront what was before her. but still, her heart raced and pounded as she took her 2 left turn-offs she almost missed. she was dreaming, concentrating, and thinking about what will happen, all at the same time, being startled every once in a while of how close the car in front of her was... and she'd slow down just a bit... only to pick up speed to her destination.

the day had come.. the months of preperation, the hours of confronting it, the weeks of tears just thinking about it... it's finally come to this. in mere moments. as she walked closer and closer to him, every step felt like an acid wash on her heart walls. she saw his family hovering around him, and his eyes were fixed on the attendant that was answering all his queries. she began to swallow bigger and bigger lumps.

his father greeted her with a smile... a comforting one. she didn't feel judged, nor did she feel thrreatened. she greeted each one of them.. and they all looked at her smiling... all except one. but she shrugged it off because the bigger reason was standing right in front of her, staring at her longingly and lovingly, with a hint of regret and remorse.

things were so tense. she felt so suffocated. she couldn't breathe without having to gasp for more air the moment she took in her waft of oxygen. but still, her companions made it alot easier for her, making small talk, distracting what was to be confronted just a little longer. she appreciated it much. more than anyone could imagine.

time passed, and she couldn't say anything. she was, much of the time; preoccupied with swallowing the lump that was growing in her throat. she looked at him and looked away, looked a little longer, and looked into space. she feared for her life. of what might happen if who she was looking at was noticed.. she didn't want any trouble. she didn't want it now.

the time came when he had to descend the blasted escalator. it was prolonged enough. there's only so much time one can buy from the one who created it. it was time to go. she could see it in his eyes. he was ready to just leave. she was aching for him to go as well. for she knew that he needed to go, more than he needed to stay. he fixed his eyes upon her the whole time. she knew it. it was noticed. the only reason why she didn't recipocrate was because she was so scared of what might come over her. she was afraid that she would lose control over what was so carefully planned.

nonetheless...

he hugged everyone goodbye... for every person he hugged, tears would well up. for every person he hugged, he was one step closer to hugging her goodbye. for every person he hugged, she knew that it was the last she would get for a long time. for every person he hugged, she knew that she had to let go. she was the last to be hugged, and she wouldn't have it any other way. she saw the look on heR face when he came to hug her. it was almost a look of anger and displeasure, but she couldn't care less anymore. it was her last time.

it lasted barely a moment. there wasn't even a touch of his skin that she could cling on to for the next 10 months. it was brief, cold and aloof. all because they didn't want to stir trouble. she envied his cousin that got the longer hug because it was socially more acceptable, familially very generous, kinly unrejected.

"i love you.."
"just a little bit more..."

he didn't look back.. he walked on like there was no 'back' to look at. she wouldn't have it any other way. there was nothing here that he should look back to. nothing was worth it. there will be so much more that he will have in his new home, his new land, and his new future. she knew for sure that he will be so much happier there. so much more contented, so much more free, having so much more opportunities to be the person he is capable to be.

she made out the words he uttered in silence...
she replied to put him at ease.

but she knows that eventhough everything here was stale, she will be the one thing that he will come back to. and she will be the one who will stand with open arms, just waiting for him to return.

and when he was finally out of sight, she broke.

parting is such sweet sorrow.
indeed the man who uttered these words must have known what it was like.
and i commend him for putting it so eloquently.

4 comments:

siaomeen said...

*hugs

i know how separation feels.. =< not a nice feeling. the parting part especially. each subsequent parting gets harder and harder.

this girl said...

hehe :) this was written about 2 years ago, but thanks :)

thankfully, each separation doesn't get harder.. it just saddens me just the same. perhaps i'm used to parting every few months or so...

tc darling :)

-aManDa teNg pEi wERn said...

hm... just feel like leaving a comment to say that i read this post. hehe. see u soon babe! =)

this girl said...

pei wern: hehe thanks :) see you soon!