2014

Aaaaaaaaaand whaddya know, it's the end of the year.

I try to make it a point to write at the end and beginning of every year. It's not been easy keeping up this casual writing thing.

In a nutshell, the year has been equally weighted with victories and failures. I think that there were more victories (in terms of frequency?), but the failures this year really hit me hard. That being said, I feel 2014 has been a great year nonetheless :) Objectively, definitely a good year compared to past recent ones.

I never take failure in good stride anyhow.

I'd usually make a list for new year's resolutions, knowing fully that the list isn't going to be honoured, of course. But making a list just somehow completes the experience, y'know?

However, this year I won't.

Instead, I want to hope and dream for bigger and better things to come in 2015. Dreams and hopes that I dare not put down (I don't take failure well, remember?), but assuredly I'll let you know if they do happen.

So here's to an EVEN BETTER year ahead.

God has been faithful, and I know that my life is in His hands.

Why Should I Be Saved?

1 Timothy 1:15-16

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.

***************

Who am I?

That the eyes that see my sin, would look on me with love...

Happy Lunar New Year!

I'm a big city girl, but I'm more than content being quiet in a small town.

This past new years celebration with my in laws was good :) just a while load of R&R, with big chunks of glorious food left, right and centre!

And with my in laws, there's always the famed live drama! It's always fun to watch others squirm, so this year is no different. I really like being the spectator!

Aaaaanyway... Here's my favourite picture from this small town called Kampar.

Best Baby Names Ever

No, not preggers.

But D and I have been thinking of baby names.. Only so we're not so stressed out when we have a 9-month countdown in time to come.

I like that we're both more open to discussing a little person in our future.

I'm also glad that I'm not so freaked out by the notion anymore! Before this, even the thought of conceiving gave me such negative feelings. I don't think that'd be the ideal feeling to have when I find out I'm bloated with a parasite haha :)

So we picked out a name for a girl and boy.
No not telling.
Just in case someone steals it *shifty eyes*

D likes masculine names-- strong names for his boy. And I like meaningful names, geared toward the feminine side of a man. No nothing like Louie or Jamie or Ashley, I reckon. But yes we've settled on one and we're both happy with it!

So for the girl, I decided against going for the girl version of her dad's name. You know... those typical "You are named Allena because your father's name is Allen". Or "Julianna to Julian", that type of thing. And I wanted something very girly, not overly unique (growing up with the name Keshia has brought me no harm, but not one teacher in school could pronounce my name correctly!), and definitely not a name with an "alternative" spelling (ie: Ashlee, Jassyka, Mishell). And we decided on a very simple and girly name :) Very happy.

Well... I initially wanted Lulu, but D said it was too weird, so I named my ukelele Lulu instead :(

Anyhow!
No babies coming soon. Not even if I wanted it. We still haven't got our lives settled yet and I sure don't want to be living in my current home when I usher in my kid. It's too small and inconducive. House hunting is great fun, but there's not one place I really want to live in (within my budget of course) that can provide a good yield and ROI.

But that's an entirely different subject matter!

xx

A Better Choice

Did I leave my family for THIS?

Ironicccccccccccccccccck.

WHY?

Everybody's favourite question.

But my favourite is "What If".
It brings me pleasure and sadness, wonder and guilt.

What if.

Devastating Dream

Last night, I had a horrid dream about my dad.

I'm a daddy's girl through and through, and in my dream last night, my mom (whom I don't have a great relationship with in real life) told me that I wasn't allowed to see my dad for the next 2 years (why 2 years? I have no idea).

BABIES? BABIES... BABIES!

That dreaded topic after you get married.

I can't begin to count the number of times I've been asked when I'll be having a baby. Nor the number of times of when I've been asked if I'm pregnant.

I know it's a natural question to ask, since... y'know. You're supposed to get busy (and lucky) after you tie the knot, but DAMMIT this is getting out of hand!

I've had one old lady from church who asked me if I were pregnant because I was wearing a cardigan.

What??

Hey, I'm not jumping to conclusions here because after I was asked this bewildering question out of the blue, I asked her in return, "Why do you say so?" and she retorted, "Oh, because you're wearing a cardigan, and pregnant ladies are usually easily cold".

WTF.

Or this other time when I had complained a little about how friggin HOT it is (Ahem* Malaysia in general is very hot ok), and I also get a question (albeit, this time she whispered into my ear) about whether I'm pregnant. When I told her I wasn't, she nicely explained to me that pregnant women usually feel hot.

Wah sei.

Feel hot also pregnant, feel cold also pregnant?
If that's the case everyone also pregnant!

Or this other time when some old man (also from church) who came up to me, immediately congratulating me on my pregnancy! DANGIT! Do I have that bloated a tummy?? So I asked him straight in the face, "Am I fat? Is that why you're congratulating me?". Needless to say, he was quite embarrassed and just proverbially retreated into his tortoise shell and has not had eye contact with me ever again.

Surprise!

WHAT A BLOW TO MY SELF ESTEEM
What a display of how I am not enough
What an incredible revelation.

I am so disgusted right now.
I'm not even sure at who.

2012!

It’s a new year!

I find it incredibly difficult to believe that 2011 has literally whizzed past in a matter of a few blinks, and that it’s already 2012! Last post was in July, and I guess so much has happened since, that I don’t really know where to start.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve thought about writing something, anything just to put it down on record but the thought of putting thought to paper (or internet) somehow makes me feel like it’s not as personal anymore. Or that the story’s not so “mine” anymore.

But it is the New Year, and I find it necessary to pen these thoughts down because it makes it real.

So... here goes!

I’m engaged! Most, if not all my friends already know, and it’s been a really exciting time since the proposal. In many ways, I’m tired of re-telling the story of how D proposed, because there are no words that can really adequately sum up my emotions of what he did, and why it was so special and how it made me feel.

I guess here is an alternative perspective to the story I usually tell everybody. And this, I believe, is a better story to tell—just that it’s not as interesting to hear in real life hehe.

D is a special guy. He has his own way of doing things, ways of which I’m familiar with and know him for. He loves me dearly, and wants nothing less for me. After dating for 5 years, I once mentioned that his proposal will come as no surprise. Especially when we’ve aimed to get married from the start of our relationship!

Engineering his plans in his head, and even some in writing, he carefully planned out the sequence of events. He crafted out his lines meticulously, bringing me through the day designed for me. It was my birthday and he brought me to very significant places—places where we had significant memories. Specific places that have changed our lives, or caused it to take a turn for the better.  As means of a very private and a very personal gifting time. I really don’t like sharing the places—they’re very personal to me and I find that if I shared it, I will dilute the meaning of the place.

Happy to share the first place though :) D took me around these places blindfolded and told me to guess where it was after given ONE hint at each place. And for each place I guessed correctly (naturally, I guessed it all!), I received a token to “mark the significance” of the place. So the first place was where we first met and got to know of each other—where we had our lives shaped and started to notice each other and who we were in our group of friends. We were at SMKDJ, our old secondary school—where he first noticed me and realised that I wasn’t as stuck up as people said I was! My token was an old (true to the year!) 2004 school curriculum card that he used to pass to me to take his extra curricular attendance at CF. The real one! What a hoarder to have kept something like that! Hehe :)

So anyway the day ensued and after a day of bringing back old memories, and reminding me of why he loves me so much and vice versa, he also made a birthday video for me. Consisting of all the weird and ugly photos of me he’s taken over the years, all fitted into the perfect timeline of our favourite song :)

It was shocking and sweet all the same time, such a wonderful song peppered with ugly juvenile faces of us in our teens and adulthood :) It tells me that although I am so extremely un-photogenic and am disgusting-looking at times (as immortalised by pictures D:), he still loves me. It still amazes me just how much he means to me, and how much I mean to him. I find it almost impossible that a guy like him can love me, even with all my terrible short comings and inadequacy.

After the video, we got to talking and (this is the part where it all blurs in my head) he starts sharing with me with a tone of absolute certainty that I am a part of his future—that I am someone he considers a part of who he is and who he will become. Adding that life, as he knows it, will change so much in the near future and he wants me to be in it with him for a very long time.

“We’ve been together for 5 years, and I brought you to 5 places, but only gave you 4 tokens. I have one more token for you, so close your eyes again please”

With all the excitement and some thoughts all lost in hindsight and translation, I will share with you the words that changed my life.

With my eyes closed, he got off the seat and went down on one knee and said, 

“Keshia Kan, will you marry me?”

After 10 seconds I said “Yes”

Girly Girls...

CAN'T STAND THEM!

They're sickening and fake.
There are some very genuinely sweet, demure and gentle girls out there who don't try hard at being who they are and I love them for it. I even respect them!

Tonight, staying up into the late hours of night, I look through some facebook photo albums, and I come across these girls. Friends, somewhat. More like, I just know them.

But UGH omg, I knew these girls way back when (we were better friends then), and they were NOT these flowery, falsetto singing, constantly-smiling, princessy people! They were down to earth, real and authentic! What happened?? Did they fall off the fairy tale tree and hit every branch on the way down? Unbelievable!

They literally float when they walk. As in, their hands are mid air (MID AIR!!!), and head tilted to one side, and truly believe they are DEMURE.

Like this. But not even half as demure in real life. Or as pretty, while I'm at it.

Demure... like the olden day woman. AH YES WOMEN!

As in, women from the book "Little Women". They talk about dreamy walks in the park, holding hands, picnics, apple pie, running in the rain, dancing the salsa (oooooo, original! -_-), trying to make "sweet sexy" into a reality and oh, I don't know... love at first sight? They sit around, eat crepes, desert, tea with scones and clotted cream and talk about how they're holding out for that ONE TRUE man who will never hurt them, never lie, never swear, never lust, never make them cry but cry themselves, never fall, and ALWAYS romantic.

Well. Firstly, delusional much?
If you can find a man like that, please let me know. I'd like to meet him. And possibly run experiments on him.

Their idea of dangerous is having a glass of wine and saying the word "shit".
The very notion of kissing is sin, and that their FIRST KISS should be at their alter.
The thought of even a playful ass smacking is forbidden and
All physical touch must be left to their wedding night's bed.

Secondly, on which planet do these girls come from??
I get it that their Godly, have standards and are very full of integrity. Great on them! I respect them for their love for God and their pre-set standards for men they choose to accept in their lives. My own man is exceptional himself, and I'm proud of who he is today through the grace of God.

BUT GEE!
Do they have to float on air and fart flowers?!

You can say that I'm jealous, but really, wait until you MEET one of these girls. Then tell me if I'm being jealous or just pointing out the obvious.

I have a nickname for these girls...
No, not "girly girls". Something more demure, since they're so sweet :P

"Crazy Bitches"

GROAR

This boy-- UGH, this boy.
I love.

"Woo!"
HAHAHAH

Praise God

It is a sad, sad shame when I find myself focusing on all the negative things floating my way, EVEN in light of the GOOD things that God has placed before me.

My failing human nature has once again prevailed by sidetracking my one-track mind into forgetting the good and wonderful things that are already mine.

The constant need for us (we, me) to chase perfection has blinded us from appreciating what we already have, resulting in only more unhappiness! How ironic. The pursuit of happiness-- resulting in dissatisfaction.

No matter what, it is well with my soul.
Man, will fail me but my God, my Lord never will.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow,
Praise Him all creatures here below
Praise Him above, Ye Heavenly Hosts.

Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost.
Amen.

--

Evil bitch rant saved for another day.

No.

I should be allowed to dislike certain people.
Strictly because I'm a girl, and I just don't like certain people! >:(

A girl should be able to make up her mind, and then change it.

Kekekekekeke

Long Piak

Long piak-- simply means running towards a concrete wall.

4 years ago, when D and I decided to do the whole LDR thing, it was daunting.
My first ever real relationship and it had to be done 6700 miles apart.

What made it worse was the lack of support that I had-- especially from family members.
Every other day they'd tell me I'm stupid for choosing what I chose.
Every other dinner will be peppered with remarks about how pointless LDRs are.
Every other conversation with strangers or friends will be about how it's not gonna work out.
Every other line of communication was about how unreal our relationship was.

It was hard enough to go through it as a couple, let alone not have any support from my family.

Now? I see my brother going through the same thing.
I'm damn adamant with supporting his... *thing*, whatever it may be: because to me, it doesn't matter how it starts (though in many things, and many times, a shaky foundation makes eventually a shaky formation), but more importantly how it ends. It's tougher (I feel) to anticipate impending doom than to go through doom itself.

For me, counting down the days when D had to go was even tougher than going through the days without him. Word.

I won't say that I recommend all couples to do LDR because #1, it IS kind of looking for trouble/heartache unnecessarily, but if found in a situation like it? What is there to do but to work on it or bail?

Also #2, not all kinds of absence makes the heart grow fonder-- there are people I know who are literally the "out of sight, out of mind" kinds, that this woman goes through 3 boyfriends in a single year and then gets engaged to the 4th in matter of months. For some-- it's that easy. For others, not so.

So yea, I don't think my brother reads my blog (but if he does, HELLO!), but I think his girl does. So dear brother's gf, I hope you know that what you're going through IS the toughest thing a girl can go through in her unmarried life, but take heart and follow it. There's nothing anyone can say/do to make you feel better so in all things go to God the author and perfecter of your faith that He may be able to give you peace and wisdom to handle all of this in time to come.

Be it to bail or to hang on like there's no tomorrow.

xx

Flattery?

Some people say that copying is the highest form of flattery?

And in some way I do feel it's a form of flattery,
But nevertheless I HATE IT.
I FREAKING HATE PEOPLE COPYING ME.

Especially when I've worked so hard on being the person I wanna be (hahaha, as if anyone notices sigh), when I've tried really hard to make something look good, when I've spent so much time perfecting my work, when I've spent my whole life trying to be... different.

THEN SOME PRISSY LITTLE GIRL COMES ALONG AND WANTS TO BE JUST. LIKE. YOU.

TSK.
It irritates me to no end. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

When I was in primary school (oh here comes all my 20 year old stories), I had a passion for colour pencils. Nobody in my class did! And when I started colouring and raping that colouring book I had with thick layered colours of blue, green and purple? Other kids started getting into it too. No, I wasn't pissed that I've spread the joy of colouring, I was pissed because these kids not only CONSTANTLY borrowed my colour pencils? They then went on to buy the same brand, started a group and EXCLUDED ME!

>:(

Then when I was in secondary school, I had a certain way of writing. My alphabets weren't conventional and the way I wrote "d" was pretty special, along with a few other alphabets like "r" and "z". Then a girl who sat beside me started writing like me. EXACTLY like me. Asians have an obsession with perfect handwriting, so YES it's a BIG DEAL! Then, LO AND BEHOLD this girl copies my handwriting (I could have died)!!!!!

>:(

Then 2 years later, I found a loophole in the school rules. The school had a strict uniform dress code. Our official colours were blue, white or black. Also, we weren't allowed to wear any accessories (except ONE pair of earrings if your ears were pierced), and all baju kurungs (*click) had to be pinned at the top to keep our modesty *cough*.

Because normal safety pins were boring, I started glueing ribbon roses on them to pin up my uniform. They were petite and sweet and unique.

Like this.

TOO CUTE!

Till every other girl started doing the same thing and henceforth was banned in school. >:(

----

NOW! NOW?
Well now there's another girl copying a certain thing I'm doing and NO I DON'T LIKE IT.

MOST of my friends are boys and I now know the reason.
Because they don't copy me.
THEY CAN'T copy me.
A bit gay if they did, right? Hmph.

Ponder Ponder

Thinking, thinking, contemplating
Feeling like I need some drinking

Watching, waiting, for a feeling
Freedom kingdom for the taking

Strict and stringent rules to follow
Dreading, dragging for tomorrow

Vague and blurry, white and hollow
Not forgetting, bloody shallow.

Give me hope, give me nudges
Keep me on this track, no grudges!

---

Pfffbt.

---

Today's HappyE:

• Rest and some TV time :)
• The condo all to myself, some peace and quiet on my own at last :)

xxx

Parallel Stories

• Charlene found out her neighbour is a kleptomaniac
• She's a lying scumbag. A bitch, too.
• She knows its wrong but doesn't care. She likes it. She "can't help it".
• Charlene doesn't like her, but Charlene lives next to her. 
• Charlene knows her kids. They like Charlene, Charlene likes them.
• One day, Charlene catches her neighbour breaking into another neighbour's house.
• Glass shards all over the yard, sneaking, snaking and stealing happens.
• Someone reports the break-in
• BUT! 
• The owner of the house that was broken into is taken into jail ???
• She goes scott-free! 

Absolutely nothing to do with anything.

But..........

He is taking one for mankind ;)

Hehehe.

To those of you who know what I'm talking about please... SHH.

Local Humour.

Yish.
Tadi I terserempak kawan punyer blog.. I kepoh la (tengoklah I yang kepoh) dia punya archives.
Then I ingat dulu kita pernah bersengketa (woohoo look at my bahasa go!) kerana pernah "berebut" buah hati (chewah konon berebut la namanya)...

Then bila I baca lagi entry dia dulu dulu, perasaan I macam api yang tak tau dari mana tak membara, tiba tiba jadi api yang boleh memusnahkan seluruh hutan belantara di bahagian Asia terdekat sini. FOOH!!!

Bodoh dan kurang matang lah bila berusia muda... Tapi I rasa dulu aku bukannya terlalu melampau bila I benci dia. I tak marah dia pon. I just membara sorang sorang! Sebab dia sombong kao kao.. sombong dan gemuk hahahaha. Ok la, tak gemuk mungkin gendut? Kakaka :D

Anyway, kita pernah pergi event sukan... dan "buah hati" masa tu pun ikut. bukan kita bertiga sahaja, malah ada 2 lagi laki laki ok! DAN SEMUA NAIK KERETA BAPAK AKU. Maksudnya, AKULAH yang memandu kereta sehingga destinasi tau!!!!

OK, I tau dia tak begitu suka dengan I... takpe takpe.. Masa tu, saya cantik, dan badan pun langsing (OMG HAHAHA I'M SAYING SUCH THINGS, I have no shame!!! Hahahah), I tak terasa terancam pun (*sombong*). Tapi dia ada audacity untuk bercerita tentang SELURUH outing tu dengan terperincinya tapi gambar I satu pun takde. MENTION put tak sepatah kata ok! niama. Tapi, jejaka impiannya dipuja macam Tuhan. "Oh betapa lucunya dia, oh betapa cerdiknya dia... Oh! Betapa hensem mukanya yang comel, dengan mata sepet!" Macam perfect.

Tau tau la masa tu. Radar sudah on. Competition pun ON.

Tapi ok la takpe.. in the end, kita berdua pun tak dapat buah hati tu. Sebab buah hati tu bodoh. SAMPAT ular suuuuuka jer attention 2 perempuan. Satu kaki nak naik 2 kapal. Defence dia: I tak pernah kata suka pada siapa siapa. You yang friendly I layan je lah?

NIAMA
Buat apa nak bawa I keluar, sms sampai awal pagi?? Tiap tiap kali terserempak, oh so mesra lagi. *insert malay curse word here*

Aaaaaaaih.
Apelah nak buat... lelaki macamtu lebih baik tak kenal.

Walaupun I masih berkawan dengan dia sekarang (sebab hati I besar, sudahlah matang dan berpendirian mulia dan berpandangan jauh, chewah hahaha),  rasa jengkel lah bila saya tengok gambar dia masatu! Tak tahu mengapa pun I so tergila dgn dia masa dahulu.

Sudah lah bertahun tahun (cheh actually baru 4 tahun, I cerita macamlah I nenek) situation ini sudah diffuse, tapi bila tertengok gambar pompuan tu, terbaca cerita masa dulu dulu... Aku tak song la.

Betul betul bitchy tau! Tak tahan I nak korek mata dia keluar. Pijak baik baik rambut dia, dan marah dia sampai dia nangis!!!! (Wah violent!)

Ok lah takpe. Sekarang I dah happy. Happy dengan boyfriend aku.
Lebih lebih lagi, lelaki tu sudah ada girlfriend... tapi pompuan sampat (sampat pada masa itu) sampai sekarang takde siapa siapa nak hirau. Pernahlah I baca dia lonely sikit.. Oklah kesian dia siket ok?

Tapi I tak ragu ragu dia sudah MENJELMA (for the lack of a better word) menjadi INSAN BERGUNA. Taklah macam dulu-- muda, panas baran lagi bitchy. Sekarang.... sepatutnya lebih matang, kot?

Tak tau lah.
I'm having fun typing dalam bahasa.
Sudah kian lama tidak mengguna bahasa kebangsaan.

Tapi funny, sebab orang pernah kata, 90% of the language is made up of words from other languages!
Betul ke??

Hehehe.

x

Unspoken.

There is a feeling that jumps out from the bottom of your stomach whenever you see a familiar face. A picture. Or when you get a whiff of a certain distinctive smell.

The feeling that evokes a fear? Or perhaps a forgotten memory?
How about a painfully familiar feeling that you can never put your finger on?
Maybe happiness! Maybe some pang. Or some compassionate pining?
The feeling that takes you back years?

Just today I came across someone VERY familiar. So familiar.
I haven't seen/spoken to this person in 4 years? Maybe 5?
Things didn't end very well. It wasn't bitter-- it was heartbreaking.

My "first love". Or so they're labelled.
The first boy I've ever fell HEAD OVER HEELS for.
Madly infatuated with ideas and perceptions-- putting him on a pedestal.
He was perfect. Perfect to my 16 year old self.

The first time seeing his face-- a crazy amount of emotion flooded into my chest-- all at once! Hurt, betrayal, wonder, captivation, obsession, surprise, greed, anger. AND THEN-- it left me the next second.

I was brought back to 7 years ago when I was giddy.
Hysteric, almost. It was painful, yet it was wonderful.

I cannot fathom the day I him face to face.
What will I do? Will I keep walking? Turn away? Greet? Say hi?

Do I pretend that this person never existed in my life?
Or perhaps start afresh?
Maybe pick things up from where they were left?

---

There is a feeling that jumps out from the bottom of your stomach whenever you see a familiar face. This feeling is largely unspoken.